


i loved and i loved and i lost you

by Jenhoney



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm sorry I wrote this, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Mentioned Yoo Kihyun, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Unrequited Love, and minhyuk's the first to move on, changkyun is a good friend, if you squint you might think kyun has a crush on jooheon, if you wanna look at it that way then, implied jookyun, jooheon's really sad, minhyuk is too, that happens, this is kind of sad i'm sorry, you know how people sometimes grow apart no matter how much they love each other?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 14:45:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenhoney/pseuds/Jenhoney
Summary: Jooheon loved Minhyuk more than anything. He'd offer the other the entire world if he could. He didn't think that, by giving Minhyuk the entire world, he'd lose his own.





	i loved and i loved and i lost you

Minhyuk stood in front of Jooheon, his hands held uselessly in front of himself. His mouth opened and closed once, twice, as if he had something to say but nothing could escape his lips. His eyes screamed pain, his expression that of a kicked puppy - ironic, when Jooheon thought back on it, as he'd called the elder his beloved puppy more often than not. "Jooheon," Minhyuk started, pathetically, his voice cracking as he reached out again to take Jooheon's hands, squeeze them once, twice, three times, "Jooheon, I'm sorry. I don't even know how to say this..." 

Jooheon knew what was happening, of course he did. He was no fool, and while it sometimes took him longer to read signs than most people, he knew immediately what was happening. His hands trembled, but his face remained blank. His breath hitched and he stood straighter than normal. His heart raced and it broke, but his only sign of pain was his shaking hands and heavy swallow. "It's alright, hyung, you can tell me anything," he urged, voice betraying everything he set out to show Minhyuk. 

Lips pursed, Minhyuk brought a hand up to cover his eyes, tears slipping beneath his fingers. "I love you, Jooheon, you know that, right?" He started, his hands shaking far more than Jooheon's, his voice more choked up, his shoulders slouched and miserable. "I love you so much, but I think we should break up." 

He nodded. He nodded slowly, his lip quivering with his first clear sign of weakness. His eyes filled with tears, tears he'd never let fall in front of Minhyuk. Instead, he smiled, a twisted smile filled with false understanding. "Yeah, okay, I understand, hyung," he said softly, voice so devoid of emotion it surprised even himself, "I get it. We're too busy for each other anyway, right? You're finally starting your career as a kindergarten teacher, and I'm not worth that much while I'm still just doing underground rapping, right? I understand, hyung." Each word Jooheon said felt like venom on his tongue. He wanted to spit the taste from his mouth, bitter and sickening, wanted to wrap his arms around Minhyuk and tell him they were okay, they'd find time for each other. He didn't. 

"I'm so sorry, Jooheon," Minhyuk whispered weakly as his hands raised to caress Jooheon's cheeks, to press a kiss to Jooheon's forehead, "we'll keep in touch, I promise. Give me time to fix myself. Maybe we'll get together again, Jooheon. I love you so much." 

~ 

Jooheon didn't answer Minhyuk's calls from that day on. He had over a hundred unread messages from him, even more from their shared group of friends. He couldn't bring himself to pick up his phone, couldn't bring himself to read every text. He knew what they consisted of, asking if he was okay or where he was, Kihyun offering to bring him a meal and Hyunwoo offering a shoulder to cry on, Changkyun saying little yet more than Jooheon could bear to read. He felt sick, his heart filled with emotions so ugly he felt as if it'd turned an inky black, swirling with pain and misery. 

He allowed himself to glance around the room, scoffing at himself as he could see Minhyuk in every inch of the room. Minhyuk sitting at his desk as he worked on his college courses, Minhyuk laying in his floor as they got drunk, Minhyuk pinning Jooheon to the bed and trailing gentle kisses from his lips to just above the waistline of his pants. Minhyuk walking into the room with a bowl of ramen and sitting on the edge of the bed, Minhyuk laying across from Jooheon with his hair a mess and covering his eyes, Minhyuk sprawled out on the bed with Jooheon between his legs, hair spread out as if it were a halo as Jooheon dragged his lips along his chest. Everywhere he looked, a remnant of Minhyuk, be it a memory or his scent. 

His door opened, footsteps light, lighter than Minhyuk's ever was, before arms wrapped around him, pulling him into their chest and holding him there. "It's alright to cry, hyung," the low voice, Changkyun, spoke, voice barely above a whisper. His hands locked behind Jooheon, slowly sitting him up and resting his chin against the top of Jooheon's head. "I'm right here, hyung," Changkyun reassured, voice softer than before, palms flattening on Jooheon's back and moving in lazy circles. 

A soft laugh escaped Jooheon's lips, quiet and hesitant, before his hands gripped Changkyun's sleeves, his face buried in the crook of Changkyun's neck. He suddenly felt grateful for his closest friend, realizing that the younger knew to give him time before coming to him. He laughed again, the sound choked and miserable, hands moving up to grip Changkyun's back. "It hurts, Kyun," he whispered, voice cracking, ugly and dry from dehydration. His fists trembled with the strength he used to grip the other, strength he hadn't used since Minhyuk had left him. 

"I know, hyung," Changkyun murmured back, one hand moving up to hold the back of Jooheon's head, "I'm so sorry." He sat there patiently, letting Jooheon's tears soak in the collar of his sweater. He sat there patiently, holding Jooheon closer when he started to doze off, weak from crying and cheeks wet. He was careful when he moved away, wiping away Jooheon's tears and laying him down carefully, comfortably, before leaving to bring a glass of water and curling up beside Jooheon, holding him close once again and letting him cling to his thinner body. 

~ 

It took two months for Jooheon to be able to look at Minhyuk again. It took him three months to be able to speak to him without the tremble in his voice. It took him four to text Minhyuk without the urge to break down and tell him he still loved him. 

It took Minhyuk six months to fall in love with someone else. It took him eight to introduce the man to his friends - Jooheon never caught the name, excusing himself because of a sudden wave of nausea. Changkyun followed. It took him a year and a half to ask Jooheon if he would be alright with Minhyuk marrying the man. 

_"Why should I dictate your love life?" Jooheon had asked with a small smile - fake, forced, just as everything else he told Minhyuk. "It's your life, hyung. You shouldn't have to ask me for permission," he continued, the smile growing but never quite reaching his eyes. "I'm happy for you if you think he's the one, you know. I hope it works out," he said, his words sounding rehearsed. They were. He spent hours in front of the mirror, imagining his reflection was Minhyuk, imagining scenarios that seemed likely now, rehearsing what he would say as if he were a robot._

_"I'm not asking for permission, Jooheonie. I want to make sure you're comfortable with it. I know you wouldn't let me marry someone if they didn't seem to love me," Minhyuk had said, voice soft, hand reaching out hesitantly to hold Jooheon's shoulder. Jooheon wanted to scream, wanted to tell Minhyuk that it was likely no one would ever appear to love Minhyuk in his eyes. He was blinded by his own love, he wanted to say. But he didn't. He merely smiled and gave a small nod, a quiet confirmation, before he turned and walked away._

That night, he sat with Changkyun, his head on the younger's shoulder. That night, he parted his cracked lips, looking at Changkyun with reddened eyes, "I loved and I loved and I lost him, right?" Changkyun gave a small nod, his own eyes giving evidence of pain, of sadness, and wrapped his arm around Jooheon's shoulders, holding him close. "I know, hyung. It hurts. I know." 

It took three years for Minhyuk to marry the man. It took three years for Minhyuk to break Jooheon's heart completely, carefully picking up the pieces and leave them in a drawer with a lock and key. Jooheon spent three years with Minhyuk, loving him. It only took three to lose him. 

**Author's Note:**

> wow this was kind of sad i'm sorry 💀 joo starts dating kyun after he gets over min and they live happily ever after okay- anieway thanks for reading i hope you enjoyed!!! feel free to message me on [tumblr](https://xjenhoneybearx.tumblr.com/) & scream about mx or your day ily


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